A Censored Boat Name, Or Bad Taste Abounds

I have always admired people that shake up the establishment, go their own way, walk to a different drummer or whatever the hell else you might like to call it.  Oftentimes, acts that contradict the establishment are looked upon as not being in the best of taste. But, then, it is the establishment that dictates taste so “taste,” itself is merely the preference of the establishment.

Generally where powerboats are concerned, one can approach “shaking up the establishment” along three different avenues: names, colors, and shapes. This month we look at names. Conjuring a proper name for one’s vessel seems to be one of the greatest stumbling blocks of vessel ownership. Too often, crass, rank, foolish, unsuitable names are selected for one’s beautiful motoryacht.  

Please Pass the Keopectate

One has to be very careful selecting names that will be subjected to public scrutiny around the world.  Back in the 60’s, when Chevrolet was trying to come up with a dynamic name for their Mustang fighter “Pony car,” all the great resources of General Motors were put to work researching names that had just the right “feel” but would not be objectionable in any language. After months of research and after considering hundreds of names, they finally settled on “Camero.”  

Alas, even the vast resources of General Motors failed to uncover the fact that “Camero” is  slang in parts of Mexico for “loose bowels” (maybe that was a good name after all -- an early Camero with a huge 396 cubic inch engine and questionable brakes and suspension certainly could give one “loose bowels”).

Show Us Your…

What you are about to read might offend some, so please keep in mind that I am only a reporter of the facts.  I will preface what I am about to say with this: What follows is not a joke. I am not making this up and I am not stretching the truth in any way. What you are about to read, unbelievable as it may seem, is fact. 

Well, I might as well just come out and say it.  The Sultan of Brunei has named his magnificent new 177-foot Feadship “Tits.”  No misprint here! To be sure, that name has an entirely different meaning in Malay but, really, the Sultan of Brunei is a worldly, cosmopolitan man and a 177-footer certainly will not be confined to cruises of Malaysian waters. No, she will cruise the seas of the world and visit ports like New York, Nice, Portofino and London to mention a few. 

With a name like this emblazoned on her sideboards and transom, feathers of the marine establishment will be more than ruffled -- they will certainly be singed! To be sure, the Sultan knew this was going to shake up a lot of people and, possibly, this is just why he did it -- probably the ultimate anti-yacht establishment move anyone could make.  

Reportedly, this is not the first time that the Sultan attempted to foist this name upon the maritime world. Previously, in 1995 he launched a 126-footer that he wanted to call “Tits.” Apparently, the good Sultan registers all his yachts (and he has many) under the British flag. The story goes that the stuffed shirt stiff upper lippers of the British Registry refused to recognize the name so the Sultan threatened to take his marbles elsewhere -- and, in fact, create his own registry, thank you very much. Sadly, on that first attempt, the Sultan backed down and settled for naming this vessel “Teeth” (again, not a misprint). So, with the naming of his newest 177-foot masterpiece, the British have either relented or the vessel will be registered under a new Bruneian registry.

Devoid of Imagination

I have had strong feelings about boat names for a long time. In fact, back in 1985 a piece appeared in this space titled “Transom Pollution” attacking bad boat names -- especially bad boat names on beautiful vessels.  A quotation from that piece is in order: “Big buck mega yachts cry for a name that suits their image. All too often, these cries are in vain.  There are too many multimillion-dollar yachts with names like “Copy Machine” or “Galoshes” or “Tidy Bowl” or “Fan Belt.” 

All these names are, I suppose, a tribute to the owner's business which provide them the opportunity to own such magnificent vessels.  But, come on multimillionaires -- A LITTLE IMAGINATION PLEASE! As the size and cost of a vessel go up, so should the quality of the name. A 16-footer named “Asbestos Shingles” can be excused but a 120-foot Feadship with the same name is completely inexcusable. Large, expensive yachts with bad names are usually owned by young multi-millionaires to whom success has come quickly -- so quickly that it wasn’t very long ago that these same guys were running around in 19-foot Bayliners! The bad names from the Bayliners were rapidly transferred from boat to boat as the owner moved up.” 

My feelings haven’t changed since then and I originally thought that the name of the Sultan’s beautiful new motoryacht was just another example of rankness. After I first read about this, it rattled around in my brain for a couple of weeks before I started dictating this piece. After about a week and a half, I came to realize that this really was not a rank name! I began to see the true genius of it!  After all, yachts are always referred to in the feminine gender. What could be more fitting? Sure, maybe “Breasts” or even “Boobs” might have been better but the Sultan elected to go the “in your face” route (if you will pardon the expression).

A Trend is Born

Thinking further, I realized that this could be the beginning of an entirely new trend: Naming vessels after body parts! Yes, this opens up a whole new world of boat names. Picture these names beautifully gold leafed on megayachts transoms: “Big Toe,” “Colon,” “Eyebrow,” “Tongue,” “Elbow,” “Buttocks,” “Nose Hair,” “Spleen,” “Liver,” and “Pancreas.”

The possibilities are almost limitless! After we get over the shock of these names, we would have to go one step further -- naming yachts after body fluids. Some suggestions: “Bile,”  “Phlegm” and “Ear Wax” come to mind.

So, there you have it.  A prominent, worldwide figure thumbing his royal nose at the yachting establishment by naming his new motoryacht what he damn well pleases.  I salute the Sultan of Brunei for shaking up the pompous stuffed shirts in the large motoryacht world and look forward to more of it in the future.

(Reprinted with permission of Regina Fexas.)

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