Clueless in South Florida

Obtuse Thoughts on the Fort Lauderdale/Miami Boat Shows

Traverse the hallowed portals and you pass from a black and white world full of congestion, crime, dirt stress and worry into a magic world full of color, serenity, friends and magnificent toys. Have you entered heaven? Well, maybe. You have arrived at the Fort Lauderdale or Miami Boat Show.

My overwhelming impression of these Big Shows is: Too big, too much, too many. The sheer amount of boats and equipment displayed puts the brain on boat overload, and, frankly, leaves one confused and, well… clueless. Part of the problem is disorganization.  Most people in search of their Dream Boat go to the show with a general idea of what they are looking for (blow boat, sportfish, motoryacht, speed boat). 

The problem with most large boat shows is that they present a very confusing picture to the prospective buyer by means of mixing all sorts of boats and gear in a given area.  Why can’t boats of a similar type to be grouped together so prospective buyers are not forced to look at everything?  I must say that Miami is much better in this respect than Fort Lauderdale. At the indoor areas and in the water there is so much to look at that prospective buyers can quickly become discouraged.  “Boat Show glaze” is not something put atop some desserts served at the fast-food stands.  It is the look on one’s eyes after about one hour at a boat show.

Grown Men in Stocking Feet

Cruise around the boat show and you will see all kinds of people inspecting boats: Captains of industry, lieutenants and ensigns of industry, beach bums and professionals. But your eyes are drawn down to the deck where you will find a common denominator. All of them (the ones that wear socks anyhow) are treading around the decks in their stocking feet like they were at some kind of damned adult pajama party!  On the dock leading to the boat you will find a pile of shoes reminding one of a front porch of a Japanese house during a sushi party. 

I can understand why hard soles must be removed but I never really understood why boat shoes were taboo. Ostensibly, it is to keep the carpets clean, however, most boats have the carpets covered with some kind of runner.  Some “gate keepers” won’t even let you walk on the outside decks in boat shoes. Truth is, this is a subtle way of qualifying buyers, the thought being, “If they won’t bother to remove their shoes, they are probably not potential buyers.” This brings up some interesting possibilities: Why not further qualify people at the companionway by asking them to remove their pants? 

Anyway, it is common to see distinguished men looking at 2 or 3 million-dollar boats with their ugly pinky toes peeking out of their socks.  Some people at boat shows don’t wear socks so, when they take off their shoes, bare, fungi breeding, smelly, sweaty, toe cheese encrusted feet come in contact with whatever the sole covering happens to be. In this case, wouldn’t it be better to demand that shoes be left in place?

A Surfeit of Shows

Boat shows always remind me of a traveling gypsy show. There dutifully manning their booths whether it be in Malaysia, Dubai, Germany or the USA, you see the same gaunt faces forcing a smile and offering a limp handshake. Would you believe that, throughout the good old USA, every year there are two hundred and eighty-two official boat shows! Hell, in the whole rest of the world there are only 73 boat shows a year. Do we really need all of these shows? Speaking personally, after the Genoa Boat Show in mid-October, the Fort Lauderdale Show in late October and the Miami Show in February, I am “boat showed out” until  the following October.  And I only “do” three shows a year. Imagine how the people who do ten, fourteen, twenty shows a year feel? 

There are boat shows in such forlorn corners of the country as Hot Springs, Arkansas; Martin County, Florida; Augusta, Maine; Osage Beach, Missouri; Clifton Park, New York; Dayton, Ohio; Belton, Texas; Chantilly, Virginia and La Cross, Wisconsin.  I mean, really, does the State of Florida need 26 boat shows? For most people after a dose of only one big show, all boats congeal into a single, white, amorphous fiberglass blur.

Inside Scoop

Those of you on the “outside” will never know what it is like working a boat show. Just as in nature, there is a definite “food chain” in operation and boat shows, like all trade shows, are, in fact, one big ass kissing convention.  

The joke of it is that the guy rolling sausages on a grill at $5 a pop and serving ice flavored with soda at $2 is completely out of the oppression/ass kissing game and is probably making more money than most guys on the docks schlocking 130 footers (by the way, Italian sausage on a bun wins the Tom Fexas Boat Show Gourmet Award hands down).

Chicago vs. Lauderdale

In the Auto Industry, there is a typical car salesman “uniform.” You know the look: Patent leather shoes or boots, polyester sans-a-belt pants, a loud shirt (perhaps patterned with something like whips and chains) with the collar worn outside and a loud checkered sports coat (with wide lapels) and gold neck chains.  This is known in the auto trade as a “Full Chicago.”  Well, the yacht brokers at the top of the boat show “food chain” also have their “uniform.” It consists of lizard skin (or other “high end”) boat shoes, sharply pressed cotton or wool sport slacks, a 100% cotton button down shirt, a blue blazer (with gold buttons),  and a genuine (or fake -- it’s the impression that counts) gold Rolex watch. I call this a “Full Lauderdale.”  Personally, I have always done better business with guys wearing waterlogged boat shoes (no socks), baggy shorts and a Hawaiian shirt but I guess that’s my problem.

Showgoers, revolt! Just for the hell of it at your next boat show, try removing your shoes at the show entrance and cruise the whole show in your socks (make sure you plod through some puddles then walk in the dirt). By the time you are ready to board boats, your socks will be damper, filthier and raunchier than any shoes would be. Just how would the guys with the gold Rolexes handle this?  

(Reprinted with permission of Regina Fexas.)

If you would like to read more of Tom's pearls of wisdom, tune in next Friday -- "Fexas Friday." 

Better yet, why not get a full dose of infectious Fexas whenever you need it -- and buy one of the volumes below.  Better yet, why not buy all of them -- we call them the "Fexas Five." They will provide many evenings of fun reading (better than Netflix), and you'll make the widow Regina very happy knowing that Tom will live on with you the way most of us remember him. 

Order 1, 2 or "The Fexas Five" --

To find the "Fexas Five" on Amazon, click here...