Eye Candy, Part 2
Your Spectator Goes Hollywood
Last month the topic was “Eye Candy” – television shows that require little (or no) participation on the part of the viewer. The piece was inspired by “Boobwatch”... er “Baywatch” the most popular TV show in the world. Baywatch merely capitalized on an existing formula for hit TV shows used over the years – simply include two out of three “ABC’s” (anatomy, boats and cars) and you will have a hit TV show. “Baywatch may be the latest and most popular “ABC” show but it certainly is not the best.” Last month, I mentioned shows like “Surfside 6,” “Hawaiian Eye,” “Riptide,” “Hawaii 5-0,” “Magnum PI,” and the ultimate eye candy show ever made – “Miami Vice.” This month, I thought I’d propose some shows that I would like to see on TV in the future:
“Volgaside 6”
SETTING: the near ruins of Moscow, present time. OUR HEROS: two Russian federal agents – Yanoslav and Moloskovich. STORY LINE: Yanoslav and Moloskovich endlessly pursue a ring of vodka moonshiners who operate in the woods around the outskirts of Moscow producing illegal vodka. ANATOMY: Russia, as you may know, is loaded with beautiful women and “Volgaside 6” does not disappoint in this area. A bevy of Slavic beauties accompany Yanoslav and Moloskovich in the pursuit of the vodka runners. The swimsuit scenes in the cold Volga River are breathtaking. BOATS: our heroes run a clapped-out Russian gun boat (World War II vintage) powered by a jet engine pirated from a crashed fighter jet. The boat appears to be painted with a broom and has a severe list to port. The bad guys, of course, have more money and are better equipped than the government guys – they have a fleet of Fountain 33’s. CARS: Yanoslav and Moloskovich share a clapped-out Trabant coupe powered by the second engine from the crashed jet fighter. The smugglers drive Mercedes V-12 sedans. Jet engines in the boat and car make for outstanding night chase scenes. BACKGROUND MUSIC: Russian marching songs (sung by all male choruses who sound like they have been sampling way too much Smirnov).
“River Watch”
SETTING: The River Cafe on the East River in Brooklyn, New York directly under the Brooklyn Bridge and overlooking the downtown Manhattan skyline, present time. OUR HEROS: Sal and Guido. STORY LINE: Sal and Guido run a fruit stand in Bay Ridge as a cover for their real trade which is finding and apprehending polluters of the East River (of which there are many). ANATOMY: Sal and Guido employ two luscious babes – Donna and Laurie who run the fruit stand while they are off saving the River. Both women consume prodigious amounts of gum. When Sal and Guido are off duty, they are at the fruit stand squeezing the melons. BOAT: an oil scavenger craft docked behind the River Cafe. CARS: a customized 57 Chevy Bel-Air coupe and a dump truck. MUSIC: Handel’s Water music.
“Nice Vice”
SETTING: Coast of Nice, France, present time. OUR HEROS: Jacques and Babette. STORY LINE: it is a little-known fact that the government of France “stocks” the beaches of the French Riviera with beautiful topless women to attract tourists. Jacques and Babette run a modeling agency that supplies women to the French government for the beaches. ANATOMY: the possibilities are unlimited. Although camera angles will be of extreme import here. BOATS: a pair of Riva Aquarama speedboats moored just off the beach. The boats are used often to spirit women from one beach to the next. CARS: Babette drives a restored Citroen SM and Jacques drives a purple Renault Gordini. MUSIC: Edith Piaf Cabaret Songs.
“Norwegian Eye”
SETTING: Oslo, Norway and the surrounding Fjords, present time. OUR HEROS: Sven and Lars, Norwegian private eyes. STORY LINE: Sven and Lars ply the Fjords perpetually pursuing smugglers of substandard lutefisk from Sweden (how one can ever tell substandard lutefisk from primo lutefisk is a great mystery to the rest of the world). Sven and Lars have two assistants Ganella and Hilda who are twin sisters. They are Amazon blonds with black belts in karate and are also professional race car drivers, expert scuba divers and gourmet cooks. The latex wet suit Fjord scenes will be unbelievable. BOATS: replica Viking ship docked in downtown Oslo near the huge shopping center complex. She is all Viking ship above the waterline, but her bottom is a stepped deep V and she is powered with three 500 hp, big block Chevy engines driving bravo outdrives. This, of course, is required because the dreaded lutefisk smugglers are running Magnums. In the wintertime, the powerboats are put away and iceboats are used. Look for the first iceboat chase scenes ever shown on TV. CARS: Sven drives a full race, customized Volvo 850 wagon. Lars drives a restored 3-cylinder Saab. The Amazon twins each drive matching Callaway Corvettes. MUSIC: endless ABBA songs.
“Sullivan and Peterson”
SETTING: San Diego, California. Present Time. OUR HEROS: Sullivan and Peterson, of course. STORY LINE: our guys run a yacht brokerage on picturesque Shelter Island. The yacht brokerage, however, is merely a cover for their real profession, which is trafficking beautiful women to wealthy Sultans in the Mid–East. ANATOMY: our heroes’ offices are blessed with a bevy of California Babes being processed for travel to the Middle East. Sullivan and Peterson solicit these women from the many picturesque locations in the area. Their favorite hangout is the Corvette Diner. BOAT: immaculate 52-foot Midnight Lace kept on the outside dock of the Shelter Island Yacht Club (with magnificent Point Loma to the west and San Diego Bay and the skyline to the east). The boat is used to deliver women to transport ships lurking offshore. CARS: a black BMW 740I (with blacked out windows) and a bright red Acura NSX. MUSIC: Beach Boys/Jan and Dean.
As this is being written, the new fall TV shows have been announced and it doesn’t look like there is a real “ABC” show in the bunch. That’s good for me, of course. Once the powers in Hollywood get a load of these guaranteed hits, I am sure my phones/faxes/e-mail will be overloaded with job offers. It has been fun, folks, but Stuart, Florida ain’t no Hollywood. Please pass the lutefisk.
(Reprinted with permission of Regina Fexas.)
If you would like to read more of Tom's pearls of wisdom, tune in next Friday -- "Fexas Friday."
Better yet, why not get a full dose of infectious Fexas whenever you need it -- and buy one of the volumes below. Better yet, why not buy all of them -- we call them the "Fexas Five." They will provide many evenings of fun reading (better than Netflix), and you'll make the widow Regina very happy knowing that Tom will live on with you the way most of us remember him.
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Tom Fexas (1941-2006) was one of the most influential yacht designers of the last quarter of the 20th century. With the narrow Wall Street commuters that were built in the 1920s and '30s always on the back of his mind, he wanted to design boats that were at once fast, comfortable, seaworthy and economical to operate. Over the years, he and his firm designed over 1,000 yachts for some of the most prestigious boat builders in the world, including Choey Lee, Palmer Johnson, Grand Banks, Mikelson Yachts, Burger, Abeking & Rasmussen and many others.
Even though toward the end of his career he only designed megayachts and superyachts, including the remarkably influential PJ "Time" in 1987, he is best remembered for his first major vessel in 1978 -- Midnight Lace -- which became a series of 44-52-footers. They were light, narrow, and fast with relatively small engines. He was also influential in the boating community because of the monthly column he wrote for Power and Motoryacht, which began in its very first issue in January 1985.