Fast Takes, Part 1

The Flying Cranberry Juice Incident

People send me stuff all the time for possible inclusion in Spectator.  A while back, a nice man from Connecticut sent me a folder containing the complete, documented legal history of a really dumb incident that happened on Fishers Island Sound one Labor Day a few years ago.  Here are the facts directly from the “Stonington Department of Police Services” police boat report on the incident: (names have been changed to protect the numbskulls).

“The above subject, Coleman, Captain of the sailing vessel “Rosa II” radioed the Stonington Police boat to report that the fishing vessel “Below Prime” captained by subject Lawson, caused a wake by passing his vessel at a high rate of speed.  Coleman stated that a bottle of cranberry juice fell from his counter and smashed on his carpet.  I was able to speak to Lawson by radio and agreed to meet with Coleman and Lawson at the Brewers Yacht Yard.  Lawson stated that he did not pass in the near vicinity of the “Rosa II” but agreed to speak with Coleman about having the carpet cleaned.  Subject Coleman was agreeable and the two subjects exchanged phone numbers.” 

In the end, Coleman – the owner of the sailboat – demanded that he be paid the grand sum of $38.59 to have his dammed carpet cleaned.  Lawson – owner of the sportsfisherman maintained he did nothing wrong and refused to pay.  Coleman proceeded to take Lawson to small claims court.

I thought it might be fun to speculate on how different marine publications might report this incident.  

Take 1 – Power and Motor and Motor Yacht Magazine (Spectator column)

How small can you get? How petty, flea minded, picayune and piddling can one become? Here we have puffboater Coleman in the open waters of Fishers Island Sound on Labor Day weekend complaining that his boat was rocking. From personal experience, I can tell you that this area is normally packed with boats of all stripe running to and fro and can become quite rough exclusive of wakes. In the plaintiff’s very own words: “I have been waked several times before, but this is the worst I have ever been waked.” 

Here friends, we have the birth of a new verb – “waked” – that could only come from the mouth of a zepherboat greenhorn. I can just see the plaintiff sitting in court and sobbing, “I was in Fishers Island Sound minding my own business when this bully came by and... and waked me.  It was terrible!” It is interesting to note that the ragboat was under power – not under sail – and, therefore, had no claim to any special right of way considerations (it has long been my contention that, at any given time 95% of all puff boats under way around the world are under power – not sail). 

Does anybody take responsibility for their actions anymore? Here we have whining blowboat crybaby who presents himself as a victim even though it is as a result of his own deficiencies. And what kind of wuss would have carpeting in a blowboat anyhow? I’ll bet it was dammed shag!   In an effort to defuse the power vs. sail conflict, we are pleased to offer transom stickers that read “Be Magnanimous: Befriend a Puffboater” for only $10.50 plus tax. Order soon – supply are limitless.

Take 2 – Motor Boating and Sailing Magazine

This is, indeed, an unfortunate incident. The Federal requirements for recreational boats are quite specific about how vessels must be operated and made ready for sea. One must always be aware of their wake in high-speed powerboats and consider the slower boats being passed as per United States Coast Guard Navigation Rules, Inland Steering and Sailing Rule 6. Unfortunate incidents such as this can be avoided if cabins are checked for security before setting out to sea.  “Connecticut Basic Boating” booklet, Section C, Doctrine of Sea Worthiness (SS23-36) is a good reference.  

Remember, safe boating depends on you and this unfortunate incident only serves to point out the fact that unfortunate incidents can easily arise on the water. Of course, all of us should make riveting publications like “ALR Digest to 3rd, 4th and Federal Shipping SS 1,7 Index to Annotations, Admiralty; Perils of the Sea; Seaman; Seaworthiness; Ships and Vessels” absolute required reading.  In an effort to prevent further such unfortunate incidents, we are happy to offer our Safe Boating Booklet: “Preventing Unfortunate Incidents” to anyone for $15.95 plus tax. Quantities are limited.

Take 3 – Yachting Magazine

Obviously, this incident could have been avoided had the sailing vessel in question simply hoisted his sails, tacked, came about, jibed and then ran a reciprocal course to the tangent of the slip angle of his keel always keeping in mind the Dellenbaugh angle and speed made good on a broad reach.  Of course, had both of the parties involved in this action been members of the New York Yacht Club, they could have settled this matter properly over a few brews in the model room of The Club like true gentleman. It is to be noted that neither skipper was wearing a blue blazer (with brass buttons) and a white captain’s hat at the time of the incident thereby indicating the type of people we are dealing with here.  

In any case, sailing vessels are a dwindling breed which could be the result of sailing vessel owners deciding that “Tis better to wake than be waked” and, therefore, are bailing out of the sailing vessels into powerful wake producing powerboats. In order to insure that we will always have new sailing vessels to photograph for our covers, we are hereby initiating a campaign to “Save the Sails” which are nearing extinction.  It is the law of the jungle, really, but this must be stopped lest we have only powerboats on our covers. 

In conclusion, it is our feeling that if more yachtsmen went to sea wearing blue blazers (with brass buttons) and white yachtsman caps, incidents like this would be few and far between.  Therefore, as a special offer to Yachting readers, we have available complete, proper yachtsman’s outfits approved and sanctioned by the New York Yacht Club consisting of tan chino pants, a blue Calvin Klein blazer (with brass buttons), a bright green Izod sport shirt (autographed by Dennis Conner) and a white yachtsman cap (with appropriate “scrambled eggs” on the visor) for an introductory price of only $599.65 plus tax and postage.”

Next month, we will see how other magazines might have reported this story. Straight wakes and cranberry cocktails to you all.

(Reprinted with permission of Regina Fexas.)

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