Fast Takes, Part 2
Last month we related the true-life story of a dispute between a zepherboater and a powerboater that occurred in Fisher’s Island Sound on Labor Day a few years ago. The complete police report was quoted in Part I but, to summarize the thing, our puffboater, Mr. Coleman (again, all names are changed to protect the dunderheads) was under power in his blowboat “Rosa II” in Fisher’s Island Sound. A sportsfisherman owned and run by Mr. Lawson was in the same area. Coleman radioed the Stonington Marine police informing them that he had been “waked” (his word, not mine) by Lawson running the “Below Prime.”
He reported with great distress that the rolling of his boat caused a bottle of cranberry juice to jump out of the sink and smash onto the cabin sole which was covered with lovely carpeting. Coleman demanded that Lawson reimburse him the grand sum of $38.59 to have his carpet cleaned. Lawson refused saying he was doing nothing wrong and that he did not come close enough to “Rosa II” to cause her discomfort. The whole silly mess ended up in small claims court. I figured it will be great fun to view this incident from the prospective of five different boating magazines. Last month we looked how Power and Motor Yacht, Motor Boating and Sailing and Yachting may have reported on this incident. I suggest you go back and reread Part I before proceeding to Part II to get the full picture. This month we look at how two other magazines might report this incident.
Take 4 – Boating Magazine
Hey, didja hear the one about the snailboat that got juiced by the powerboat? It seems like this dude in a sportsfish was driving his boat on Fisher’s Island Sound when he reportedly waked this snailboater who was running with his sails down (better than with his pants down, yuk, yuk) on auxiliary power. Hey, if a snailboat is being pushed by an engine, doesn’t this make it a powerboat? And what was this dude doing drinking Cranberry juice instead of a man’s drink like Grappa or Scotch or diesel fuel? While we at Boating Magazine certainly do not advocate drinking and driving, we do feel that real men should be drinking something other than wuss cranberry juice! While we are suspect of the dude in the snailboat, we also wonder about the guy in the powerboat. It seems he did not have a hairy chest adorned with five or six heavy, brass plated, pot metal chains with hanging medallions.
What kind of powerboat guy is this, anyhow? And why was he was not surrounded on the flyingbridge by three or four busty, bikinied babes hanging all over him? And why was this guy traveling in a boat capable of wuss speeds of, maybe, 15 to 20-knots? Everybody knows boats going 90-knots make less wake. In conclusion, our advice to the snailboat guy is to “go power” and our advice to the powerboat guy is to “go macho!” For any of you out there operating a powerboat without the proper “look,” we have an exclusive offer for you.
For the modest sum of $256.79, we are offering a macho boater’s kit consisting of: chest and back toupees, arm and leg toupees, a paste on mustache and sideburns, 6 brass plated pot metal chains (complete with brass plated pot metal medallions), a sock to stuff in your bathing suit, wrap around mirrored sunglasses and three inflatable busty, bikinied babes. You must be over 18 to order. For those of you operating boats that don’t sound like funny cars at the Winternationals, we are also exclusively offering a kit consisting of: waterproof, hidden transom speakers, a tape player and cassettes of rail dragsters running the quarter mile. Even though your boat is powered by a nerdy 150hp V-6, simply snap a cassette into the machine, turn up the volume and your boat will sound like a 1500 hp nitro burning superboat! Call soon.
Take 5 – Boating for Women Magazine
As we all know, cranberry juice is wonderful for the female urinary tract and, particularly, bladder infections. We can only applaud the fact that the people on the sailboat were drinking cranberry juice instead of some vile drink like cola or hard liquor.
Removal of cranberry juice stains is quite straightforward. First, a little cold club soda should be applied to the stain and rubbed in well. Let that sit for three or four minutes than apply some milk to the spot. Allow the milk to saturate the carpet and then douse it with a goodly portion of sulfuric acid. Almost like magic, the spot, carpet and cabinsole will disappear before your eyes!
Cranberry juice is a super summer drink and makes a great punch. Just mix the cranberry juice with some orange and pineapple juice in an unbreakable punch bowl then add some seltzer and white wine to taste. For a healthy, festive touch, float segments of oranges in the bowl, which can be eaten with the juice. (Helpful hint: be sure to have dental floss available so your guests can floss the pieces of orange pulp from their teeth. Some people prefer conventional string floss but the new tape type is highly recommended).
As an exclusive offer to our female readers only, we have an on-board stain removal kit, unbreakable punch bowl, cranberry punch recipe and Glide dental floss available for only $24.95 plus tax and shipping.
Epilogue
The Flying Cranberry Juice Incident was adjudicated before the State of Connecticut Superior Court (small claims section). During the trial, the blowboater, Coleman stated to the court that Lawson originally agreed to pay for the rug cleaning “or I would have had the police arrest him.” Nice guy! Coleman stated that his cranberry juice was stowed in a deep sink and was hurled out of same by Lawson’s wake. Coleman’s wife testified that everything Coleman said was true but later testified that the juice fell off the counter rather than jump out of the sink. During the trial, Lawson presented eyewitness accounts to the judge.
A couple of these were unbiased bystanders who did not know Lawson nor Coleman. One gent aboard a trawler stated that “the stern wake of “Below Prime” disappeared completely in the area of Coleman’s vessel as there was at least 200-feet of distance between the vessels...” All natural conditions being considered, it is my opinion that, if Coleman’s vessel was shipshape and loose articles placed in secured positions, they would not be subject to damage. Another witness – a Coast Guard licensed captain overheard the radio transmissions. Coleman hailed the powerboat “Sportfishing boat going in to Mystic... you spilled my drink!... you spilled my drink!” The captain stated: “In ocean waters, the “Rosa II” should have been seaworthy but apparently it was not.”
The court made judgement in favor of the plaintiff (blowboater!) for $38.57 damages plus $25 costs totaling $63.59. Only logical conclusion: The judge must have been a zepherboater!
(Reprinted with permission of Regina Fexas.)
If you would like to read more of Tom's pearls of wisdom, tune in next Friday -- "Fexas Friday."
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Tom Fexas (1941-2006) was one of the most influential yacht designers of the last quarter of the 20th century. With the narrow Wall Street commuters that were built in the 1920s and '30s always on the back of his mind, he wanted to design boats that were at once fast, comfortable, seaworthy and economical to operate. Over the years, he and his firm designed over 1,000 yachts for some of the most prestigious boat builders in the world, including Choey Lee, Palmer Johnson, Grand Banks, Mikelson Yachts, Burger, Abeking & Rasmussen and many others.
Even though toward the end of his career he only designed megayachts and superyachts, including the remarkably influential PJ "Time" in 1987, he is best remembered for his first major vessel in 1978 -- Midnight Lace -- which became a series of 44-52-footers. They were light, narrow, and fast with relatively small engines. He was also influential in the boating community because of the monthly column he wrote for Power and Motoryacht, which began in its very first issue in January 1985.