The Fourth Greatest Lie

Since men first set out to sea on logs, there have been three areas in which seamen have always tended to, shall we say, “stretch the truth” a bit. 

The first has to do with frequency of intimacy with wives/lovers. There is just something about the sea air that makes seamen very boastful about this type of thing. This subject is best left to people like Dr. Ruth and will not be addressed here in any detail (although I reserve the right to do a complete story on this subject sometime in the future). 

The second topic is their navigational prowess (“Yeah, we set the autopilot at Ambrose Light and never had to touch the thing again until we turned it off in the Straits of Gibraltar”). The third area of boastfulness is HOW FAST ONE’S VESSEL TRAVELS which has to be the fourth greatest lie after: “the check’s in the mail,” etc., etc.

Speed exaggeration started when a Neanderthal man with a name like “Grunk” straddled a log and rode it with the current down river. That night in the cave while munching Terry Dactyl hors d’oeuvres and drinking jungle vine wine Grunk surely boasted to cavemates about how fast he went down the river on that log (even though the fact was that a few hundred feet offshore Grunk had hit a submerged log and damaged his log!) 

Columbus, I’m sure, exaggerated the speed of his three sailing vessels to Queen Isabella. This “stretching of the truth” is not limited to ancient peoples. Admirals of modern navies frequently lie about the speeds their ships can attain in order to intimidate the enemy or fund a package through their Government.

And the modern yachtsman… oh the stories we have heard while clustered around the yacht club bar or holed up in the cabin waiting for the weather to blow over! Let's examine some of these stories and analyze them.

“I PASSED BY HIM LIKE HE WAS STANDING STILL.”

Fact is that only one or two knots difference in speed when alongside another vessel seems like a great difference. How many times have you overtaken a vessel that appeared but a speck on the horizon? It seems to take a very very long time to overtake this vessel and yet, when alongside, she is passed very quickly making you think that the other vessel must have slowed down. 

This is the “Nautical Theory of Relativity” in effect which states that: “the apparent speed of the overtaking vessel is inversely proportional to the distance from the overtaken vessel.” This theory was first postulated by Dr. Luke Chinewalker in a drunken stupor, who carved it into a Block Island bar counter on July 4th weekend in 1958. (Block Island, by the way, has to have the highest percentage of drunks per square mile on a holiday weekend than any other piece of real estate in the world!).

“WE RAN CIRCLES AROUND HIM.”

Translation: The rudder jammed hard over causing the incapacitated vessel to circle another vessel that was trying to render assistance.

“WE WERE GOING SO FAST THE BOAT WAS COMPLETELY OUT OF THE WATER.”

This refers to the ride in the travel lift at the boatyard after contact with an underwater object.

If you really want to know your true boat speed, there are a number of techniques available. I ran into one guy in Ft. Lauderdale with a very unique method of gauging speed. It seems he had these calibrated sunglasses which, when he turned his head to the side, would blow off at exactly 35 mph! 

In discussing a certain boat, this guy told me in all candor that “they said she did 40 mph but I know that wasn’t so because my sunglasses stayed on the whole time.” Another way to gauge speed is to time the vessel between markers or fixed objects ashore. 

This is alright except that it requires the use of a stopwatch and a chart to obtain distances. All of this can seriously interfere with partying aboard and is not recommended except for the most serious of yachtsmen. Perhaps the best method of judging one’s speed at sea is a system that Captain Slocum used on the “Spray” and is still quite effective today. This traditionally involved throwing a wood chip over the side at the bow and timing how long it took to reach the stern. By knowing the length of your boat, quite an accurate speed could be attained. 

Of course, this system must be modified for modern times. Since not many boats carry wood chips these days, the contemporary yachtsman could toss a canapé over the side and time it. This is also an excellent way to get rid of an obnoxious guest. Take him up to the bow, explain that you need his help in determining your speed, shove him over the side and time his pleas for help from bow to stern! 

I know one yachtsman who says he checks his speed with Loran. Well, he doesn’t speak too clearly and, actually, he has a leggy blond friend named LOREN who, while underway giggles, coos and shrieks while squeaking in his ear “gee Boopsie, we must be doing 60 mph!”

Boat manufacturers, designers and yacht brokers have been known to exaggerate speed claims. When one is purchasing a boat, he should query the sales people concerning how and under what conditions the claimed speeds were attained. The problem is, there are so many variables. Here are some of the most important:

a) Vessel “Dry” Weight - Weight has a great bearing on speed and can significantly affect it. If you are looking at a 50’ sportsfisherman and the broker or manufacturer claims that she does 35 mph, ask him how the vessel was loaded during the trials. Ask questions like: Was the superstructure and interior installed at the time? This is no joke. More than one manufacturer has run speed trials on a bare, empty hull prior to fitting it out so they could advertise a high top speed.

b) Loading - This refers not to the dry weight of the vessel itself but the variable loads that may be carried aboard, which, can drastically affect speeds. It is common to speed-trial boats with empty water tanks and vapor in the fuel tanks. At 7.13 pound per gallon for fuel and 8.35 pounds per gallon for freshwater, these loads can add up quickly. When new boats are sea trialed, they are, of course, usually not sea trialed with owner’s gear aboard. 

This can be a considerable burden, especially if the owner is a weight lifter or is in the lead galoshes business. The weight of gear put aboard has a direct bearing on speeds. Think about it! Dishes, pots, buckshot, cutlery, kitty litter boxes, foods, bedding , cases of beer, televisions, washer/dryer, a year’s supply of Pepto Bismol, tenders, davits, spare shafts and propellers can increase a vessel's weight by 20% if one is not careful.

c) Depth of Water - It is no secret that fast boats go faster in shallow water. This is due to pressure waves under a fast vessel, bouncing off a shallow bottom and lifting the vessel higher out of the water than she normally would be. One should immediately suspect inflated speeds if a boat was tested in a wading pond.

d) Sea State - Fast boats are faster in a light chop than they are in perfectly calm seas. This is due to choppy waters breaking suction under the bottom and lessening wetted surface.

e) Windage - Windage is not what Uncle Fred gets after he eats beans. This is a technical term referring to wind resistance caused by vessel structure. On really fast boats, aerodynamic superstructures are important for maximum speeds. Tuna towers and outriggers on a 35 mph sportfisherman can reduce its speed by 2 or 3 mph. A large dinghy on the foredeck could be worth 1 mph and an enclosed bridge another 2 mph. Add enough stuff topside and your sportfisherman becomes a poorly performing sail boat!

f) Bottom Finish - A glass-smooth bottom will be considerably faster than one fouled with weeds and barnacles. Super slick, high-gloss gel coat will be faster than one with bottom paint applied and, remember, everyday your vessel is in the water the bottom is getting more fouled and speeds are being reduced.

g) Ambient Temperature - Cold water increases propeller efficiency and cold air increases horsepower.

From a boat seller’s standpoint, therefore, the ideal sea trial is conducted on a stripped hull, with a teacup full of fuel in choppy water deep enough so the propellers won’t touch bottom with an epoxy gloss bottom paint job on a subfreezing day in January. 

From a boat buyer’s point of view, of course, the ideal sea trial would be on a fully loaded boat in deep water with a slightly fouled bottom on a hot summer afternoon with fat Aunt Martha sitting at the bow. And remember… don’t forget your calibrated sunglasses.

(Reprinted with permission of Regina Fexas.)

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