Just Call Me Nostradamus

More Fexas Predictions Come True!

Well folks, it’s time again to gloat. It seems that I can do no wrong with my predictions. No matter how farfetched, silly, and foolish, they may be, they nearly always come true!

Politics = Dullardism

Last year in this column I wrote a piece titled “The Little Yacht Broker that Could” -- a story about a sailboat yacht broker that lobbied his local congressman to  propose a “diesel powerboat only” tax in place of the then existing luxury tax. His idea was to rescind the luxury tax thereby allowing him to sell puff boats unimpeded by the dreaded tax and, in exchange, impose a tax on diesel fuel. As you know, this was done.

Incensed at being stabbed in the back by a puffboater, in November, 1993, your Spectator went on the offensive fighting stupidity with more stupidity and silliness with more silliness. With tongue planted firmly in cheek, I wrote the following: “Well, Power and Motor Yachters, we may have to accept this stab in the back from our puffer buddies, but it cannot go unanswered. 

I am hereby announcing a grass roots effort... to impose a sails tax. My idea is to tax sail cloth by the square foot.  Included would also be a stiff tax on lead and iron ballast (which should impose a great hardship on some Congressmen who have an abundance of it in their ample posteriors). Later, I went on to say, “Send your cards and letters to your Congressmen in support of a tax on sail cloth and ballast…”

Remember, I was only having some fun here. Ah, but never underestimate the stupidity of politicians. In the January, 1994, issue of Boating Industry, there’s an article under their “GOVERNMENT BRIEFS” (boxer or jockey?) column: “How does a 45-cents-per pound tax on all lead smelted in the U.S. and on the lead content of all imported products sound? The American Sail Advancement Program (ASAP) (this really stands for: Association for Soggy Adrift Puffboaters!) the Middletown, R.I. based sailing industry group is circulating a press release from the Lead Industries Association that says such proposals are indeed real. Lead is a common form of ballast used in sailboat keels.”

“According to the release, lead tax proposals were introduced during 1993 in both the Senate and House chambers: H.R.2479 by Representative Ben Cardin of Maryland and S.1347 by Senator Bill Bradley of New Jersey.”

Representative Ben Cardin? Sound familiar? Yes! This was the same guy who spearheaded the addlebrained diesel fuel tax! (The implications of which we are just now realizing in all its multicolored glory.) “Sorry we only sell blue fuel here. “Does Ben Cardin read “Spectator?”” Is Ben Cardin working both sides of the pleasure boating street in order not to lose votes? Is Spectator so powerful that the mere mention of a very foolish idea is voraciously scooped up by rabid politicians and proposed to be law? Knowing I have such great influence on our lawmakers, look for future articles in “Spectator” on things like income tax repeal for powerboaters, government boatbuilding subsidies, drawbridges remaining normally open, closing only occasionally to let auto traffic across, an air tax on sailboats and repeal of the ban on TBTF bottom paints.

Dive, Dive (and Pass the Grey Poupon)

My other prediction that materialized is even more astounding. In August, 1988, in this very space I wrote a piece titled “The Quest for Megaspeed in Megayachts -- Part III.” A section of that piece read as follows: “Today, only small “recreational submarines” exist, but the technology is certainly available to produce a “megasubyacht.” Even if uranium could not be obtained for reactors, modern-day deep cycle batteries and high-efficiency electric motors could power these subyachts for long periods of time when submerged.”

Think of traveling submerged at 60 or 70 knots with virtually vibrationless, silent power in a craft without motion, even though 20’ waves rage above? Of course, there are other advantages to a megasubyacht: Submerged, one could sneak out of marinas without paying the bill. One could make mock torpedo runs at his friend’s helpless surface yachts.

Presently in the Mediterranean there is a trend towards paramilitary motoryachts. Well, here’s the ultimate! Imagine yourself standing in the conning tower, binoculars dangling around your neck, cigarette drooping out of your mouth with a full, scruffy beard. You are surrounded by a little collapsible windshield. You are Adolph Kretchmer (the Ace German WWII U Boat Commander)… That Errol Flynn look is in your eyes and you pace from port to starboard in your best John Wayne walk as you scan the horizon for “Bogies.”

Although the piece was derided by “those in the know,” this prediction was not made frivolously because, as I said, the technology is available to do it. All it took was a boat builder with vision. A few months ago I was scanning through the 10 or 12 boating publications I receive every month, and what to my wondering eyes should appear but an ad for a “yacht submarine” by a company called U.S. Submarines, Inc. in Anacortes, Washington. 

The ad was for what they called their Nomad 1000 -- a 65’ long luxury submarine. The first U-yacht should be afloat (or submerged) as you read this. The vessel is fitted with a yacht like superstructure, a submarine underbody, and a luxury interior. It weighs 72 tons, and can dive to a 1000- feet yet cruise at 12 knots on the surface. Her life support system can sustain people aboard for 10 days. 

To quote L. Bruce Jones, President of U.S. Submarines, Inc., “U.S. Submarines, Inc., has several projects underway and is available to design, engineer and build purpose specific submarines or submersibles to 165’ (!) in length.”

Satisfaction Guaranteed at Sears

Yes friends, a lead tax may be imminent and the age of the megasubyacht is upon us just as predicted. These, and all my other predictions that have materialized over the years serves notice to those who may doubt my soothsaying ability. Now, if I can do as well calling the shock, er, stock market, I just may have a U-yacht behind my house on the bottom of the river in the near future. Doesn’t block the view, you know. 

(Reprinted with permission of Regina Fexas.)

If you would like to read more of Tom's pearls of wisdom, tune in next Friday -- "Fexas Friday." 

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