The Lighter Side

The word "banana" is funny. "Monkeys" are funny. So are "hair weaves." But when was the last time you heard a side-splittin' "radar" joke? I mean, think about the possibilities: "So these two autopilots are talking, and one says to the other, `Hey, where'd you learn to drive?'" All right, let's face it--marine electronics are not funny. Useful? Yes. Impressive? Sure. Dependable? Usually. But funny? No.Or are they? Well, as we found out in this unscientific poll of marine electronics manufacturers and dealers, it's not the electronics that are funny, it's the people who try to use them. Picture this.

You walk into a consumer electronics store and you want a VCR. Or a camcorder. Or anything else in there, for that matter. It makes no difference what you buy--the point is you already know what you want to buy and why you want to buy one. But that's not always the case in marine electronics. As these true stories reveal, sometimes the proud new boat owner says he needs XYZ, but he has no idea how it works or what it's supposed to do. He just knows he needs one. After all, his neighbor Frank said so. But don't just take my word for it--here's the proof, direct from the boat show floor.

Deep Thoughts

A customer walks into the Raytheon booth and wants to buy a fishfinder.

"What kind of fishfinder, sir?" says the salesman.

"A deep one. I go fishing out in the ocean, so it's got to go deep."

The salesman walks him over to a new color video unit and goes into the pitch, but he's quickly interrupted.

"Wait a minute, forget all that," says the customer. "I just want to know how deep does this one go?"

"Six hundred feet, sir."

"Six hundred feet! Where the hell am I gonna put all that cable?"
Doug Grey

Raytheon Marine

Plug 'n' Play

This one came into C-Map, a manufacturer of electronic navigation charts.

Caller: “Hi, I'm planning a cruising trip to the Bahamas, and I need as much information as I can get. Can you help me?”

C-Map: “Sure, ma'am. We have two chart cartridges that cover the entire area. We'll ship them out to you right away.”

A few days later the caller is back on the phone, complaining.

Caller: “Hey, I got those cartridges you sent me, but I can't get them to play!”

C-MAP: “Play?? Ah, well, why not?”

Caller: “They're jammed in my VCR!”
Ken Cirillo

C-MAP USA

Numbers Game

A confident customer walks into Maritech's showroom and buys a loran. He also wants Maritech to install the unit, so a technician goes over and installs the loran, ensures it's working properly, and then heads back to the shop. A few days later Maritech gets an angry phone call from the buyer.

Buyer: “Hey, that loran you sold me isn't working, and I'm going out on the boat today! Get somebody down here right now!”

So the same technician hustles back to the boat to diagnose the problem. He powers up the unit, sees it's working fine, and then the buyer jumps in.

Buyer: “See that! Right there! It's all those damn numbers again!”

Tech: “Ah, right you are, sir. Those are your loran TDs.”

Buyer: “Who cares about them? Where's the part that tells me I'm in Stamford Harbor?”
Sean Farrell

Maritech Electronics

Stamford, CT

Pilot Error

A customer once purchased an autopilot and a full-service marine electronics dealer did the installation. A few days later, the phone rang at the manufacturer's office, and an aggravated caller was on the other end.

Caller: “I want to speak to the manager. I just spent a lot of money for one of your autopilots, and I didn't get a complete system.”

Manufacturer: “Oh, no? Well, what's missing, sir?”

Caller: “The antenna!”
Dean Silver

Simrad

Earth To Boater

As part of its marketing program, Garmin regularly conducts GPS seminars in retail outlets such as West Marine Supply. At one such seminar, a Garmin representative was explaining how the Global Positioning System works and how boaters can use it for navigation.

Instructor: “Now, can anybody tell me where GPS signals come from?”

Student: “I know, I know! They come from those trucks you guys have.”

Instructor: “Excuse me? Our trucks??”

Student: “Yeah, I've seen them all around town. You know, the ones with G.P.S. written right on the side!”

(Ed. Note: G.P.S. stands for General Parcel Service, a package-delivery company. To our knowledge, G.P.S. does not offer any delivery services to or from outer space at this time.)
Suzanne Cole

Garmin International

Back Tracking

Marine electronics manufacturers take pride in their products, and they love customer feedback, especially when it's positive.

A Magellan customer, who was thrilled with the performance of her new handheld GPS receiver, took the time to pen a letter to Magellan. In it, she raved about the unit's accuracy and its ease of use. In fact, she was so excited about the unit, she took it into her car and put it to a real road test. Evermore astonished, she informed Magellan that her GPS receiver worked, even in reverse!
Jim White

Magellan Systems

Shallow Complaint

Electronic-chart manufacturer Navionics recently got a call from a customer who owns a 60-foot motoryacht. He reported that he had an electronic chart display at the helm, and while he had no problem with the Navionics' chart content or accuracy, he was very upset. Apparently, he discovered that Navionics charts don't show water depths less than one foot. (Think about that…)

Another caller complained that his electronic chart was bad because he couldn't get the icon that represents his boat's position to appear on screen.

Navionics tech: “When the unit asked you to enter the correct chart datum, what did you type in?”

Caller: “August 3rd, I think.”

Lisa Thimas

Navionics

Now don't get me wrong. Bloopers like these are not just limited to boaters. For example, Jim Carlton reported in the Wall Street Journal that Compaq computer is thinking about dropping the familiar "Press Any Key To Continue" message on its PCs because too many callers are asking where the "Any" key is. Another customer was demanding a full refund of her computer because the "pop-out cup holder" was broken. It took the service tech just a few moments to figure out that this caller had been putting her coffee mug in the CD-ROM drive.

We can learn a lot from our fellow boaters, and the message here is clear. Before you plunk down your hard-earned dollars, do your homework. Ask questions at the boat shows. Try to test drive any product before you buy. And forget about Frank. Because in marine electronics you'll get what you pay for, even if you don't know what that is.