Pondering
Can You Hear Me?
It is 9:10 a.m., La Guardia Airport, New York. My Delta flight 494Y scheduled to leave for West Palm Beach at 8:10 a.m. is still on the ground. The problem is a rather simple one -- the communications system between the cockpit and the stewardess station at the aft end of the plane is inoperable. Regulations require that the plane can't fly until this link is restored. The apologetic pilot comes on the P.A. and announces that, unfortunately, this system is "computer controlled" thereby making the fix much more complicated than it would have been had an old-fashioned communication system been installed .
This glitch was discovered about a half hour before scheduled roll back and six of Delta's finest technicians have been feverishly scurrying around for an hour and a half with no results. Figuring I deserved it (having bad mouthed computers in this column for the past two months) I sat back and pondered. When computers go down one has a lot of time to ponder. Here we have a mega million-dollar aircraft a Lockheed L1011 to be exact -- dead on the ground because one of its computers crapped out. The technicians with gear strapped all over them as (computer technicians are wont to do) are working hard to find the problem. One guy in the back, Joe, is yelling to the guy in the cockpit "Hey FRANK, CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?" Frank replies in the negative. Now if Frank and Joe can communicate by hollering back and forth I wondered, why do we need electronic communication at all?
Computers have been developed to a stage where they are super reliable. The fact is, however, that no matter how reliable they may be they can and do fail. Just think: how many times have you been stymied by the phrase "Sorry, the computer's down." This has happened to all of us at airports, hotels, banks, credit card companies, etc. When this occurs, your little world is thrown into an uproar since you can't get your air reservations or your hotel room or your bank balance or your credit card approved. When the computer goes down on your boat, it can ruin your entire weekend… or worse. But, at least you will have time to ponder…
I’ve got a real Dan Rather for you: we are in the midst of a great plot by an elite group of individuals to take over the world! The Commies have tried to control the world and have failed miserably (they can't control their own countries much less the world.) This elite group, however, has nearly succeeded in a very short period of time.
Who are these people? Perhaps a Spector-like organization as in the James Bond movies? Aliens from outer space? The Mafia? No, it's really much less complicated than that. It's NERDS. Computer nerds to be exact and their absolute control of this planet is the ultimate REVENGE OF THE NERDS.
Yeah, that foolish movie wasn't too far astray.
You know when you were a kid in high school, there were always these skinny guys in your class with squeaky voices, glasses and pimples? These were the "90-pound weaklings" that got sand kicked in their faces on the beach. These were the guys who buttoned the top button of their shirts and struck out with girls and carried big black lunch boxes to school. These were the guys who stayed home studying while the rest of us were out driving fast cars and chasing bad women. Well, these guys grew up with a great resentment towards the rest of the world and a vengeance to get even. These are the guys that, when they grew up, became computer technicians.
And, now, the world is nearly theirs. What Hitler with his great war machine couldn't do in eight years and what the commies and all their propaganda and expansionist policies couldn't do in forty years, these guys have done with a keyboard and a video screen in ten years. Now it's 9:40 a.m. and the plane is yet to get rolling. I'm thinking that we should have treated these guys better back in high school.
Is the Computer Up?
Pretty soon, you know, we won't be able to go to the can unless a computer is up. Think I'm joking? Let me introduce you to a little gizmo called the Washlet, a technological wonder manufactured by Toto from our friends in Japan. This is an object that completely goes against the mechanics credo which states "if it ain't broke don't fix it."
Now there's hardly anything in the world more reliable than a toilet. You flip the lever, opening a valve which allows water to flow by gravity through the bowl. A marvel of simplicity. What this little Japanese whizzer is, see, is a fully computerized toilet/ bidet controlled by a handheld wireless remote-control unit just like the one for your T.V. set. Press the remote and the toilet flushes. You can even do it from across the room. But that's only the beginning. Press another button and you will hear the sound of a servomotor extending a wand from the bowl. This oscillating wand emits a stream of warm water which automatically rinses your better end. Press another button and you get dried with a blast of warm air. The seat is electrically warmed and included is a built-in deodorizer (computer controlled of course).
I'm not joking here! Never ones to let good things remain static, Toto is further improving this wonderful invention. They are developing a toilet that, in addition to the previously described features, automatically analyzes urine, announces blood pressure and heartbeat rate! THIS IS ON THE LEVEL FOLKS. Believe me, even I couldn't dream up something like this.
The problem is we are being over-computerized. Initially computers took over functions that were becoming impossible to accomplish manually like file keeping, airlines reservations, etc. Now with all these reductive functions used up, the nerds are searching for ever more fertile territory. Do you know your station wagon will soon have computer-controlled steering, suspension, engine combustion, braking traction control and even muffling. Yes, muffling. There's this little computer, see, that analyzes the noise made by the engine and produces "anti-noise" 180 degrees out from the engine noise thus nullifying the initial sound. I said it before, and I'll say it again. PRETTY SOON YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO TOW YOUR DAMN CAR AWAY UNLESS A COMPUTER IS UP.
Things are clearly getting out of hand. 10:10 a.m. Delta's technicians continue screaming back and forth but they still haven't closed the door. I resume pondering… What can we do to fight this terrible scourge? Some brave Americans are fighting back already with something called "retrotech'' or "yestertech": bringing back yesterday's technology. Most of our enginerooms are "yestertech" -- much the same as they have been for 50 years but it can't remain so for long. Though I have never been a big fan of the Chrysler Corporation, they should be congratulated for a car now making the rounds that will, hopefully, go into production soon. It's called the Viper and it's a throwback to the Ford Cobra of the sixties.
Remember the Ford Cobra: not much more than a chassis and body with a huge engine. It was designed to do three things and three things only: accelerate, stop and maneuver. (What more does a car really need to do?). The Viper is much the same though wrapped in a voluptuously aerodynamic body. They say it may not even have roll down windows and certainly won't be ladened with the computered gadgets that even today's cheapest cars sport. Powered by a huge V-10 engine, this car is designed for fun at the usable low end of the scale -- not 200 m.p.h. It will be straightforward and simple a true breath of fresh air in today's over complicated automotive world.
I want one.
The point is that, if we don't fight back, the nerds will soon take over the pleasure boating industry and have control of our weekends as well as our weekdays. There are some things that nothing but a computer can do. However, there are other things that the nerds should leave alone… like my toilet and boat. It's now 11:10 a.m. -- we are three hours late and still on the ground. Frank and Joe continue to communicate the old-fashioned way via soundwaves in the air (hollering). By now you would think they'd have come up with a practical fix. Hasn't Delta heard of two tin cans and a wire?
(Reprinted with permission of Regina Fexas.)
If you would like to read more of Tom's pearls of wisdom, tune in next Friday -- "Fexas Friday."
Better yet, why not get a full dose of infectious Fexas whenever you need it -- and buy one of the volumes below. Better yet, why not buy all of them -- we call them the "Fexas Five." They will provide many evenings of fun reading (better than Netflix), and you'll make the widow Regina very happy knowing that Tom will live on with you the way most of us remember him.
Order 1, 2 or "The Fexas Five" --
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Tom Fexas (1941-2006) was one of the most influential yacht designers of the last quarter of the 20th century. With the narrow Wall Street commuters that were built in the 1920s and '30s always on the back of his mind, he wanted to design boats that were at once fast, comfortable, seaworthy and economical to operate. Over the years, he and his firm designed over 1,000 yachts for some of the most prestigious boat builders in the world, including Choey Lee, Palmer Johnson, Grand Banks, Mikelson Yachts, Burger, Abeking & Rasmussen and many others.
Even though toward the end of his career he only designed megayachts and superyachts, including the remarkably influential PJ "Time" in 1987, he is best remembered for his first major vessel in 1978 -- Midnight Lace -- which became a series of 44-52-footers. They were light, narrow, and fast with relatively small engines. He was also influential in the boating community because of the monthly column he wrote for Power and Motoryacht, which began in its very first issue in January 1985.