Salty Marine Terminology for Beginners

Marine Terminology is a can of worms.

For example, a “ceiling” is the liner on the “sides” of the hull. What you think would be the “ceiling” of a cabin is called the “overhead.” Confusing, isn’t it?

What difference does it really make if you call the pointy end of a boat the “bow” or the “front?”

What difference does it make if you say “I am turning to port” or “I am turning left?”

I’ve observed that people with the most boating experience use the fewest marine terms. Just like you’ll seldom find an experienced yachtsman wearing one of those cheap captain’s hats you buy in the marine store, complete with scrambled eggs on the visor and “Captain” emblazoned in rhinestones, you’ll not likely find an experienced individual throwing marine jargon about it.

In any field, it’s the insecure neophytes who learn the terminology and use it to show their compatriots that they are knowledgeable. The guys already in the field don’t worry about this and usually call things what they damn well please, knowing that it’s results that count. After you’ve rammed the dock, it doesn’t really matter if you say, “Gee, I stove in the stem on the bollard” or “Gee, I crashed the front end on that dock thing” does it?

Using marine terminology can even be dangerous since it is fraught with double meanings. Did you ever think how a landlubber might interpret your nautical jargon? Here is a list of marine terms as they might be defined by a landlubber.

• Carvel Planking: The skin of a hull made up of soft ice cream.
• Dinghy: A dark, dirty place.
• Ballast: One who participates in ballet dancing.
• Camber: A type of French cheese. 
• Halyard: A grassy area around a house owned by Hal.
• Strut: A peculiar way of walking employed by women to attract men.
• Rudder: A name for people having ruddy complexions.
• Fairbody: A physique that is not particularly exceptional, but is not poor either.
• Prop: What you use your arm for to support your chin at the bar.
• Port: What you drink at the bar.
• Starboard: A listless movie actor.
• Bow: What you do after performing an outstanding docking maneuver.
• Stern: The way you feel after bashing a piling.
• Folkboat: Boat anchored off the three-mile limit for the purpose of prostitution (think about it).
• Scupper: The meal after lunch.
• Slip: The next-to-last article of clothing you remove from a woman’s body.
• Berth: Sometimes the result of removing the last article of clothing.
• Freeboard: A cruise on a vessel that you don’t pay for.
• Chainplate: A method of securing dinnerware to the table when at sea.
• Stemhead: The guy with a long neck and a small head.
• Kelp: What you yell for when you’re in trouble.
• Dockline: Direct telephone access to a physician.
• Flying Bridge: A type of card game played on an aircraft.
• Seacock: A nautical rooster.
• Bulkhead: A person with a very large cranium.
• Fuel Tanks: Giving thanks for having fuel available.
• Berth Board: A condition that afflicts women who’ve had too many children.
• Windward: A section of a hospital for people with chronic gas problems.
• Windlass: A condition resulting from successful treatment in a windward.
• Chine: What the sun does.
• Oar: A woman of ill repute.
• Oar Lock: A security device that women of ill repute have on their doors.
• Cabin Sole: A pet fish kept in the cabin.
• Thwart: A bump on the skin thought by some to be caused by toads.
• Skeg: What beer comes in.
• Ketch: A game of ball.
• Sloop: One who dribbles fool when he eats.
• Metacenter: A place where singles gather to meet other singles.
• Polyester: Frank Ester’s sister.
• Rudder Stock: Shares in a rubber company.
• Scantling: The newborn of a scant.

Oh yes, with the above definitions in mind, think twice the next time you’re at a fancy restaurant or your church social telling sea stories. Think how this will sound to a blue-haired grandmother type: “I went out on the folkboat, inspected her fairbody, then checked her strut. Since I didn’t want anyone else to use them, I put the oars in my cabin.”

(Reprinted with permission of Regina Fexas.)

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