16 Things I "Hate" About Boating
(Editor -- For those who never had the pleasure of knowing Tom Fexas (1941-2006) or reading his monthly columns in PMY, he was a gentle soul who never raised his voice and was rarely angry. Possibly the reason for that was, it seems, that he could always see the humor of any given unpleasant situation. If you missed Tom's bio last week, you can find it at the bottom of this page.)
Things That I Hate
There’s a Sarah Lee sing-song commercial that says: “everybody doesn’t like something...” Well, I happen to not like a lot of things concerning boats and, in fact, I feel so strongly about some of these items that “don’t like” turns to HATE. Now HATE is a strong word but it applies to everything I will talk about in this month’s column.
I HATE it when I’m cruising in South Florida and “touch bottom” or, worse yet run aground in the middle of the damn channel! This always happens, when I am trying to impress influential clients or some scantily clad damsel.
Give me northern cruising any day! Up there, channels are channels and not whispy little dredged ribbons that move about from day to day. In Long Island Sound, for example, you’re either in deep water or on the rocks. No whimpy, limp wristed, moveable channels there! You either “is” or you “ain’t” -- there’s no in between.
I HATE people who bring matched sets of Gucci luggage aboard for a weekend stay. When this happens I make it a point to store them (the suitcases not the guests) in the bilge next to the dirtiest, smelliest, oiliest piece of equipment aboard.
I hate guys who wear fake captain’s hats with “scrambled eggs” on the visor. These are usually worn by guys that know zippo about boating, and, incidentally, they usually have scrambled eggs leftover from the morning’s breakfast on their shirts too.
I HATE boat cushions that release air when sat upon, making you look like a disgusting slob. When this happens you usually flash an unconvincing grin and point meekly to the cushion. Of course, no one believes it was the cushion. I think this is the work of a small, perverted band of upholsterers who share their ideas and even fine tune their cushions for just the right sounds.
I HATE eating potato chips on teak decks. The chip residue falls onto the deck and the “30 weight” used motor oil they were fried in leaches into the wood and is almost impossible to remove. I’ve developed a method for eating potato chips (or any other oily food) on teak decks which is as follows: clamp your lips tightly around the chip while inhaling. Then break the chip off inside your mouth using your teeth. Remember, never stop inhaling.
Every time you take a bite you inhale all the crumbs, salt, etc. This may seem like a strange way to ingest food and it may be funny to see a group of people, lips pursed around chips, making sucking noises on deck, and it may cause severe chocking if you inhale too hard, but it does keep the junk off the decks. If I had a boat with teak decks, I would post instructions for eating oily foods.
I HATE when I’m sleeping on a lower bunk and the guy over me, just back from a big night on the town, starts upchucking over the side of his berth. It’s not funny! This happened to me on a cadet ship and is indelibly etched into my brain.
I HATE it when I have to squirm around in my car digging in my pockets for change at a toll booth. Inevitably any change I find falls between my legs into the seat. Then I stick my hand down there to root around for the change and invariably, I look up and there is a bus full of blue haired ladies on their way to a revival meeting looking down at me like I’m some kind of pervert. You may think this does not relate to boats, but since all my driving is boat related I am including it here.
I HATE lock tenders who ride bicycles.
I HATE inane conversations on VHF telephones:
“Yeah, this is the Sea Bunion calling Dog Drool, you there Harvey?”
“Yeah Oscar this is me, we’re anchored over here at Bellybutton Cove, about to have a cookout.”
Oscar: “Cookout? You use charcoal or wood?”
Harvey: “Well Oscar, I prefer charcoal but wood is okay too if you can get it.”
Oscar: “Yeah wood is nice but charcoal is easy to get and they have this new stuff with the fluid built in so it lights real easy…”
I HATE boats that look like pregnant watermelons. This a result of stacking too many decks on too short a hull. Actually they shouldn’t be called boats – they should be called “bloats”.
I HATE meeting the Paddle Wheel Queen coming up (or down) the New River in Fort Lauderdale. This usually happens when rounding a blind curve in the river. The “Queen”, though masterfully piloted, slows for nobody and is about as wide as the river.
I HATE it when I’m driving over a bridge and this fantastic, gold plated, one of a kind, never to be seen again power boat passes under and the damn bridge rail is always exactly in the right location to block the view.
I HATE boats painted red.
I HATE bright green pants with little sail boats printed all over them even more than bright red pants with little ship’s wheels. Running a close third, is yellow pants with little square knots. This leads me to say that:
I HATE people who wear green pants with sail boats, red pants with ship’s wheels or yellow pants with square knots which leads me to say that…
I HATE Lily Pulitzer and all she stands for.
Well, that gets all the HATE out of me for this month. Oh yeah… I HATE anyone who reads this column and doesn’t like it.
(Reprinted with permission of Regina Fexas.)
Above is a 2007 52' Midnight Lace, one of the last boats started while he was still alive.
If you would like to read more of Tom's pearls of wisdom, tune in next Friday -- "Fexas Friday."
Better yet, why not get a full dose of infectious Fexas whenever you need it -- and buy one of the volumes below. Better yet, why not buy all of them -- we call them the "Fexas Five." They will provide many evenings of fun reading (better than Netflix), and you'll make the widow Regina very happy knowing that Tom will live on with you the way most of us remember him.
Order 1, 2 or "The Fexas Five" --
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Tom Fexas (1941-2006) was one of the most influential yacht designers of the last quarter of the 20th century. With the narrow Wall Street commuters that were built in the 1920s and '30s always on the back of his mind, he wanted to design boats that were at once fast, comfortable, seaworthy and economical to operate. Over the years, he and his firm designed over 1,000 yachts for some of the most prestigious boat builders in the world, including Choey Lee, Palmer Johnson, Grand Banks, Mikelson Yachts, Burger, Abeking & Rasmussen and many others.
Even though toward the end of his career he only designed megayachts and superyachts, including the remarkably influential PJ "Time" in 1987, he is best remembered for his first major vessel in 1978 -- Midnight Lace -- which became a series of 44-52-footers. They were light, narrow, and fast with relatively small engines. He was also influential in the boating community because of the monthly column he wrote for Power and Motoryacht, which began in its very first issue in January 1985. He wrote a monthly column for over 20 years.