Vapor Vessels and Loony Toon Yacht Designs

Comments From Inside the Designer’s Tent

A few issues back I did an article titled “Living the Blow Boat Dream” which featured “Son of Town Hall” – a 50-foot vessel fabricated entirely from trash scrounged from New York streets and waterways. In the recorded history of the world, this is, without a doubt, the double butt ugliest vessel ever conceived. It really hurts your eyes to look at it. Stare at “Son of Town Hall” too long and you will be dialing 911 for an emergency visit to your ophthalmologist. But “Son of Town Hall’s” ugliness can be excused. The homeless people that cobbled her together are not yacht designers and do not purport to be yacht stylists. “Son of Town Hall” was brought to mind two weeks ago as I cruised through the huge Designer/Builder tent at the Fort Lauderdale Boat Show.

Awe Inspiring Yachts

Within its dark, air–conditioned inner sanctum were booths representing hundreds of yacht designers and builders from all over the world. In each booth, one would typically find great numbers of scale models, renderings, videotape loops and photographs of some of the most awe-inspiring yachts ever conceived. There were proa yachts, slower yachts and Noah yachts. There were rocket yachts, pocket yachts and put yourself in hocket yachts. There were bizarre yachts, tail fin car yachts, conceived in a bar yachts and go far yachts. There were tilt yachts, loaded to the hilt yachts, make your wallet wilt yachts and never to be built yachts. “Never to be built yachts” is key here. I would bet my prized collection of Boating for Women magazines that of all the models and renderings in all the booths in that huge tent no more than 5% of what is shown is or will ever become a real boat that floats and rocks and pulls wakes. 

Using fanciful renderings and scale models, designers are trolling for big fish using very elaborate lures. Due to the magic of ROM, RAM, bites and all the other little gizmos stuffed into the modem computer, all is not what it seems to be. Renderings can be made to look exactly like photographs and models can be formed out of thin air without any drawings whatsoever. Therefore, all you can count on that is “real” are actual Kodak Moment photographs and videotapes of real vessels.

Vapor Vessels

These “never to be built” designs are what I call “vapor vessels.” It is a sure bet that the booths with the most photographs and videotapes of real boats are the booths of the people with the most experience. Sadly, too many of these “never to be” creations are “Loony Toon” yachts. Now I know I am treading on spongy decks here proclaiming any design to be “Loony Toons.” We have all heard that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and this is absolutely true. The problem is that some beholder’s eyes must clouded crossed, bugged or completely shut. 

Generally speaking, most people will agree on certain elements that produce a smart looking vessel. These elements have to do with proportion, flow of line and the character that the vessel generates. There has always been a wacky fringe element in our industry. Hell, I have even done a couple “Loony Toon” designs myself but, of late, “Loony Toon” yacht designs have taken on a whole new radical direction. Stuff that looks like boats you and I scribbled on our textbook covers in grade school with crayons are being presented as real boats. I have seen proposals for large motor yachts that look like they were made of wax – then melted amidships. I have seen renderings of large vessels with superstructure levels piled so high l fully expected to see a dammed bride and groom at the top.

Styling by Olaf the Plumber

The problem here is that you do not need a license or a degree to call yourself a “Yacht Stylist.” It sure sounds great at cocktail parties but, unfortunately, it is a meaningless appellation. The truth is, anyone can be a yacht stylist. Your plumber might be a yacht stylist. Your urologist (a high paid plumber) might be a yacht stylist. Your bookie might be a yacht stylist. Hell, the fact is that you need more training to be a hair stylist than a yacht stylist. It is interesting to note that, occasionally, some “Loony Toon” designs actually get built. 

A number of years ago in this column I poked fun at some futuristic European designs speculating that, in the future, boats would look like well-rounded bars of soap. As a gag, I mentioned a model we made from a Dove soap bar. Well, someone took our soap design and turned it into a real boat (without even paying us royalties!). When you see one of these bizarre creations floating at the dock you think to yourself “who in his right mind would put up the money to build this thing?” It often happens that “Loony Toon” yachts that actually get built are designed, built and marketed (often for tax purposes) by eccentric, wealthy individuals – public reaction and resaleability be dammed.

Floating Dust Busters?

With the large boat business exploding and with the business viewed by outsiders to be one of great romance and adventure, there has been a huge infusion of new people. I say the more the merrier and nobody is merrier than myself as I walk down the docks or through the aisles of boat shows chortling at what these eyes behold. Obviously, the craziness cannot continue, and as I have said many times before, once a vessel appears as a bar of soap or a door stop or a Dust Buster, where else can one go but backwards to more classic designs. Presently, a full 60% of the work we are doing in our office today is of the classical theme. Nevertheless, especially for this article, I asked each of the eight talented designers in our office to submit their own “Loony Toon” designs. I wish they could all be shown here. The scary thing is that, given a little advertising or some magazine space, even monstrosities become credible. 

Well, here we are at the end of the piece and, I simply cannot resist... THAT’S ALL FOLKS!

(Reprinted with permission of Regina Fexas.)

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