Why I Hate Clubs of Any Type or Kind

Or Why a Waterfront Ginmill Serves the Same Function as a Yacht Club

I am just not a club kind of guy -- never was, never will be. The fact is, I hate clubs and all the attendant clubiness that goes with them. I hate club committees and hate dressing up for pompous club functions. To me, most clubs are organized for the sole purpose of giving people a forum to inform other people just how important or wealthy or smart they are. There seems to be a direct relationship between the exclusivity of a club and the phoniness of its members.

What’s Your Fetish?

People seem to have a need to belong to clubs to share their fetishes with people having similar fetishes. It makes people feel wanted, gives them a sense of belonging and also a sense of superiority to others not fortunate enough to share their fetish. Today you can join such diverse clubs as “Barbed Wire Collecting Clubs,” “String Collecting Clubs,” “Thimble Clubs,” and “Beer Can Collecting Clubs.” If your fetish happens to be boats, you may feel the need to join a yacht club of some kind. It is to the diverse group of yacht and marine oriented clubs that this article is dedicated. 

Join Clubs for Fun and Exploitation

Most clubs I’ve ever been involved in were for my own personal exploitation. My first club experience was in high school. Though I didn’t campaign for it, I somehow was elected president of the Dance Club. Now I never liked or understood dancing -- I always felt it was rather silly and merely a sad excuse for fondling women you didn’t really know. Immediately after being elected, I changed the name to the “I Hate to Dance Club” and was summarily dismissed from my post. Throughout the rest of my high school and college days, I remained club less even though my college must have offered 50 different clubs. I was once a member of the “Port Elco Club” -- a club for Elco owners -- because it was a great way to get to crawl around old Elco’s at the meets. 

I have also been a member of some car clubs like the “Jaguar Driver’s Club,” the “Gullwing Group” and the “SHO Registry” because they provided invaluable maintenance/repair info and oftentimes offered cheap parts and insurance. The most recent club I’ve exploited was the “Martin Downs Racquet Club.” I became a charter member because it was dirt cheap and they had brand new lighted clay courts. Being a “charter member” was great -- it meant that membership was small and you didn’t have to deal with a lot of jerks. When the jerk population increased to an intolerable level, I was gone.

Among the many marine publications I receive in the mail each month, there is a local magazine called “Treasure Coast Waterway Times Magazine on the Waterfront” (as usual, publications with the longest names usually have the fewest pages and “Treasure Coast Waterway Times Magazine on the Waterfront” at about 1/8" thick is no exception.) It is, however, a monthly treasure trove of interesting articles and local information including a classified section in the back. I usually read the articles, skim the ads and then toss it. With a dearth of reading material one particular night and nothing but “Roseanne” on the tube, I ventured into the classified section and came upon a heading titled “Clubs.” I must tell you it really opened my eyes. 

A Club for All Persuasions

The first club I came across was the “Scarab Owner’s Club” which stated it catered to Scarab, Nova and Excalibur enthusiasts. I thought it rather strange that there was a single club for big bug freaks, star gazers and English medieval history buffs, but, hey, this is South Florida. Further down I saw the “South Florida Mako Owner’s Club” (for people who own mako sharks I presume). “Palm Beach Fin Divers Club” caught my eye. Could this be a club for guys who dive for five-dollar bills? Is “We Dive for Five” their motto? And how about the “Florida Polish Yacht Club?” 

This is no joke, friends, and if you doubt me, you can call Vito at (305) 481-5919. There’s also the “Propeller Club of Port Everglades” (Can’t you just see these poor buggers dragging their heavy propellers to their dinner meetings on the fourth Thursday of every month?). Listed was the “Broward Shell Club” which could either be for sea shell aficionados or an association of gas station owners. There’s more nautical “Sierra Clubs” than you can shake a pipe at (Sierra Club members don’t shake sticks -- breaking branches off trees traumatizes the trees and depletes the forests). 

Would you believe there’s a club called the “Florida Horseman’s Diving Association?” This could either be for people who jump their steeds off high platforms into little tanks or for owners of horses who swim underwater. If it is the latter, it must be a real bitch fitting horses with scuba gear and fins! 

The Good Stuff

Then I got to the good stuff: “Single’s Boater Club of the Palm Beaches” caught my eye. I wondered if this is a club for people with a single boat. I mean, if you had a boat and a dinghy would you not be admitted? There’s also the “Fair winds Single Sailing Club” and “Sailing Singles of South Florida” and the “Powerboat Singles Club.” I guess there are a lot of lonely boaters out there! Assuming that owning a boat is a prerequisite for joining one of these single boaters clubs, and since the preponderance of boat owners are of the male persuasion, it seems that most of these single boat owners are destined to remain lonely or…

A few years ago I was doing a series of articles which involved political correctness in recreational boating. I had a great idea for that piece which was so outrageous I decided my editors would never print it. Well friends, I am happy to legitimately present you with… the “Gay Yacht Club” about which I will only say this is not a joke and make no further comment for fear of losing my column (so to speak).

Needed: New Clubs

Yes friends, all this and more was found in my little local “Treasure Coast Waterway Times Magazine on the Waterfront” magazine. I can’t wait to get my hands on a similar Miami or Ft. Lauderdale publication and see what clubs they offer. Southern California must be the ultimate!

Naturally, all this got me thinking about other kinds of marine oriented clubs that might be worthwhile for the boating public. How about the “Florida Nudist Sailing Association” (ladies stand clear of the running rigging and gentlemen, watch those deck winches!) The possibilities for a yacht club burgee are almost unlimited here. With all the lushes on the water, I’m sure an “Alcoholics Anonymous Yacht Club” can’t be far away (the club burgee would be a wine glass with a big, bold slash mark over it). 

How about an “I Hate Boats Yacht Club” for people who have sold their boats and vow never to own one again? And I’m sure a “Green Peace Yacht Club” is in the offing. Meetings would be held in the woods and be restricted only to owners owning boats not fabricated of wood (exploits trees), fiberglass or plastic (depletes our oil reserves), aluminum and steel (depletes our mineral reserves) and ferro cement (taking sand and gravel defaces the earth). I think a “Boat Owners Whose Wives Don’t Know They Own Boats Club” would be a big hit (I’ve actually known guys who did this). And why couldn't there be a “Yacht Club Club” the sole purpose of which would be to follow activities of other yacht clubs. 

There are many “Antique Boat Owners Clubs” existent around the country but, how about one with a twist: a club for elderly boat owners who are themselves antiques? And, finally, I would like to suggest a very exclusive club that calls it like it is: “The Old Farts Stuffed Shirt Yacht Club.” Actually, there already are hundreds of such clubs presently operating around the country (and many are on their way out, by the way).

Actually, many exclusive yacht clubs are under siege these days. It seems that some are being accused of excluding minorities. Hell, clubs like the “Horseman's Diving Association” and the “Florida Polish Yacht Club” are minorities themselves. I mean, how many Polish boaters exist in Florida? A case can be made for some of the affluent waspy yacht clubs being minorities themselves.

Actually, if you are not semi antisocial like I am, yacht clubs can provide a really super (“really super” is yacht club talk) opportunity to meet people, talk boats and get smashed. Then again, you can do the exact same thing in any waterfront gin mill without putting up with initiation fees, dues or those funny guys in white slacks, blue blazers, and white officer hats pulled down around their ears.

(Reprinted with permission of Regina Fexas.)

If you would like to read more of Tom's pearls of wisdom, tune in next Friday -- "Fexas Friday." 

Better yet, why not get a full dose of infectious Fexas whenever you need it -- and buy one of the volumes below.  Better yet, why not buy all of them -- we call them the "Fexas Five." They will provide many evenings of fun reading (better than Netflix), and you'll make the widow Regina very happy knowing that Tom will live on with you the way most of us remember him. 

Order 1, 2 or "The Fexas Five" --

To find the "Fexas Five" on Amazon, click here...